Dear Future Right Swipe

A Precautionary Tale

Having lived the whole gamut of finding-myself-in-my-20s-relocating-to-the-big-city-dating-like-crazy-trying-to-check-a-bunch-of-boxes-whilst-suffering-low-self-esteem-and-trying-to-people-please-with-a-gigantic-chip-on-my-shoulder-then-hitting-30s-and-being-the-last-single-in-the-crew-and-getting-continuously-entangled-by-losers-dusties-and-mamas’-boys-then-meeting-a-guy-worth-settling-for-it’s-just-fuckin-time-getting-married-buying-a-house-panicking-that-I’m-so-late-to-life-trying-for-a-kid-with-catastrophic-consequences-and-realizing-none-of-this-is-for-me-divorcing-the-pandemic-experiencing-extreme-isolation-and-depression-more-therapy-discovering-I-am-secretly-hot-embarking-on-a-THOT-phase-getting-tired-of-that-and-reinvesting-in-self-care-and-just-doing-whatever-I-want…I still find many very well-meaning people in my life want for me to meet the Person.

Even though we’ve gotten to the viral meme stage of the Harvard study that proves single, child-free women are the happiest demographic of people. Even as They say, without fail, how they are “living vicariously” through me because I can travel and pick up and move to another country and have free time and eat grown up food that’s still hot and watch movies with curse words and blood (just the one time!) and spend money on things I want and shower alone with the bathroom door locked and get 8+ hours a night.

I don’t know if I would ever marry again. I know I don’t want to get pregnant and have children of my own. Online dating, going out and meeting strangers, none of that appeals to me. I have arrived at the very fun and comfortable place of taking only care of myself and I take very good care of myself so if there is no topping that, if there is, God-forbid, hindrance to that, I’m OUT. I have neither the energy nor the will to pretend like I am someone’s cheerleader, therapist, or mother.

And, let’s face it, even the most gifted, well-endowed, generous hunk o’ham can’t do what a $13 vibrator can do in less than 5 minutes.

I’d intended to publish this newsletter as an apology to my hypothetical future SO - a comprehensive explanation for why he would have to pour so much effort into my disproportionately lukewarm Meh-ing. Now that I’ve sat down and started writing though, I don’t feel sorry about any of it and the discourse is exhausting too. Even that level of effort on my part is way more than I’m interested in giving.

I also have a deep suspicion that men out there are reading things like this and using them as playbooks on how to manipulate and deceive women into relationships. Like when they ask you, “What are you looking for in a man?” then turn around and behave like that person for a few months until you are attached before letting it all go to shit.

The only romantic love I believe in is the Star-Crossed kind. That is, the kind that happens once in a very long time, under a very special and rare set of circumstances, for just those two people. Everyone else is parodying a tragic, watered down version. And hey, even until pretty recently, most people were Okay with that version. Some are even happy with it. To those, I sincerely congratulate you.

For all you other so-called difficult, intimidating, picky, independent bitches…

You do you.