Got Some Mediocre News

Health and Mid-Life

I escaped the United States of America. There, I said it. I’m only 15% joking when I tell people I’m an American refugee. The bits of news that still trickle in could be exaggerated or they could just be actually devastating because of how INCREDIBLY STUPIDLY THINGS ARE GOING but the likelihood is that they’re accurate and shit is truly and royally fucked. Almost daily I ask myself, “What kind of brand-new Tomshitery McFuckitude is this?”

All that to say, one of the main reasons I wanted to leave was to get access to affordable, quality healthcare so I could finally get a mammogram and my teeth cleaned and speak to a doctor without needing to first: 1) find one near-ish 2) call the office and see if they’re taking new patients, accept my insurance (I stopped having insurance actually, it was just a gigantic waste of everything), are in-network, and pending these 3) make an appointment for that specific doctor from my insurance company’s roster (No, not the Nurse Practitioner, not the resident, not a partner, not their colleague - they are out of network) some time within the next 3 months to 6 years. Turns out, if you go to most other countries, you can just pay some money and see a very decent doctor to take care of your un/mysterious bodily issues. And because they aren’t Americans, they can usually speak English and sometimes a bunch of other languages quite fluently (shit, fluently enough to switch back and forth in medical jargon anyway which is, we all agree, several standards of deviation above and beyond, ‘There is a brown cat sitting in the chair.’)

I’ve dabbled in this already with Dental Tourism. I needed a dental implant and in the US, that can run you anywhere from $5,000 to $15,000, easy. With insurance. Because dental insurances cover next to nothing as far as actual interventions you would need dentally speaking. Zapping your head while you bruise your soft palate biting a plastic square? Sure. Scraping all of the disgusting grime off your teeth? Yeah. Removing and replacing teeth that are too far gone to save? Ha ha not a chance, buddy. Hope you like debilitating tooth pain and halitosis.

Enter: Dental Tourism (by way of Medical Tourism sub specialty). Join a few FB groups/Reddit pages for expats, poke around, and voila! Not a new idea at all. You’ll get links, whatsapp info, glowing first-hand recommendations, price quotes, directions from the closest major airport. Having gone to both Costa Rica and Spain for dental work (well no, I didn’t go for dental work. I went on vacation and happened to get some dental work done while I was there), I have touted to my friends back home how much cheaper it is to just pick up and treat yo’self. To some dental work (that’s a thing when you’re grown). Even threw in some ~CosMeTiC~ stuff while I was at it BECAUSE IT WAS SO MUCH CHEAPER. You know what? Still saved. A lot.

Currently, I am in Bangkok, Thailand. I’ve found a local hospital that offers a host of medical diagnostics in a package for 40+ women that’s quite reasonable and not overhyped/priced by TikTok. I sat down with the doctor and he laid it on me. My A1C is borderline. Diagnostically, a value of >6 is Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus. I am at 5.8.

Likewise cholesterol. I won’t bother typing the units of measurement and values. Let’s just say, they’re “elevated”. But if you want some fun, this is called hypercholesterolemia.

I am not psyched about the values but I’m no stranger to them either. I’ve had these daring elevations before in the exact same values, in my 30s. Ah, the omnipotence of genetics. I wasn’t diagnosed then and I’ll be damned if I’m diagnosed now. The solution is what it always is: lose some weight, you fat American. Respectfully (not a joke).

The doctor gave it to me very gently and with excellent bedside manner. He used a colorful photo to show me how I should plan my plates to be about 50% fruits and vegetables (low glycemic index fruits of course), 25% protein (lean ones), and 25% whole grains. Avoid fried foods, oil, butter. I should exercise at least 30 to 50 minutes, five times a week. The goal is to lose 10 pounds (10 POUNDS, MOTHERFUCKER!!!) in 3 months for a follow up.

[Sigh…….]

Again, not new. It was almost the same advice verbatim from the doctor from my 30’s when I had elevated values. The thing is, I have been doing this. For years. I replaced sugar at home with monkfruit extract. Nearly all my meals are plant-based or majority plant-based. I barely buy meat at all when I grocery shop. I add no salt to my cooking. I cut most refined carbs in all their forms. I sold my rice cooker on FB marketplace. I switched from coffee to loose leaf teas. I started jogging, fancy shoes and all.

Admittedly, I’ve slipped some. Southeast Asia is nothing if not drowned in coffee and I absolutely plugged into coffee/cafe culture - a lot of which is highly sweetened. Rice, noodles, and bread have made a dramatic return. I averaged a mango a day (a medium glycemic index fruit but much higher when paired with sticky rice) for about a month. Exercise hasn’t fallen off per se but it’s hard to maintain pace for 30 minutes in 96 degree weather (real feel 108 degrees) and 78% humidity.

Ipso facto, I’m due for the mediocre news. It makes sense actually given my history and the liberties I’ve taken in diet and activity. I can’t be mad at the esteemed doctor looking out for my best interests and delivering the blow as gently as he knows how. At proper mid-life, it could all be much, much worse.

But I’m going to be huffy about it anyway.