I am the Main Character: a Villain
I have entered a part of my life where children are afraid of me. In the very least, they are not comfortable around me. Smile as I might, they freeze up, they cling to a parent, they go silent.
Parents too. They are polite generally, of course, but there have been multiple occasions that parent and child have seen me lounging in a common area, a public place and turned right around to go back from whence they came, mission aborted.
Other people do this too: grown men for example. I go to a cafe and sit down and the spaces around me subtly empty. A restaurant. A bar. I get on the subway and sit down, the seats beside me remain quite vacant.
At first I didn’t notice at all. Hell, I celebrated (re: the pool just yesterday. Two mother/child duos arrived, glanced, and left while I was wading in the water). Byeeeee! In the past, people would gather - sometimes to engage, most times to just stare. I would end up leaving to get some peace and space.
I ask myself: what’s changed? My RBF is God-level but it’s always been.
Do I smell? I do apply a lot of bug spray on top of SPF on top of cooling spray on stop of sweat that probably results in a miasma of chemical-y tang. Subtle sniffs prove mostly benign.
Occidental vs Oriental social norms? Maybe…
I’d like to think it isn’t me. That I’m making things up. That I’m being overly sensitive. But something sticks and itches me nonetheless.
Because appearances do do (heh…) something even if we would like to preach that they don’t. People love to stare. In Asia? It’s the Olympics of Staring. No one will stare you down harder than an Asian in Asia. And this queen certainly doesn’t conform. Not in dress, not in aesthetics, not in mannerisms. It’s almost a Challenge. A Dare.
I don’t do it to be antagonistic. I’m just being me. But the alienness of my appearance is too Other not to perturb people. It’s like seeing a wild animal at the mall or grocery store. If no handler is there, you worry. Your mind thinks, “I saw an episode of ‘Man Vs. Wild’ about this once. Just stay calm. Don’t make eye contact. Move slowly away until you get to a safe distance.”
It’s a bit lonely. I feel misunderstood. Judged. But I can’t help being who I am either. And I won’t change or shrink myself to be more digestible to strangers. It’s aggravating. I get petty and stubborn about it. On bad days, angry.
Thus, a Villain is born.
This hits deep—thank you for articulating something many of us feel but rarely say out loud. There's something both isolating and empowering about being perceived as the “wrong kind” of presence in public space. The slow, uncomfortable realisation that your existence—your style, your energy, your very face—is too much for some people, and the way that turns into quiet rejection... it wears on you. And yet, there’s a kind of twisted relief in no longer being watched or approached like a curiosity. The loneliness becomes armor. The villain origin story writes itself.
But maybe what’s villainous is just visibility without apology. The quiet rebellion of not softening yourself for the comfort of strangers. If that makes people clutch their kids tighter or give you a wide berth, so be it. Maybe it means you’re not failing at humanity—you’re just too real for the social script.
By simply being yourself, you attract the people who genuinely want to be with you – quality over quantity. Stay true to yourself; there’s no reason to feel misunderstood as long as you understand yourself. This is a common lack among many people: a deep understanding of their true selves. That’s why it’s easier for them to judge or distance themselves from those who might intimidate them with their settled character. Congratulations on choosing your own (or your own set of) paths.